The Boy Who Gave Up On Me...
Disclaimer: All events in this blog post are true. The Boy shall remain unnamed along with the 'friends' who are mentioned in this post for privacy reasons.
This relationship wasn’t long but it was one that truly broke me – not like The Boy from the last post – but actually broke me. When it all ended, my anxiety got worse than ever, I had a panic attack daily and ever since I am still trying to get back up on my feet.
The relationship was great – or so I thought at the time. We agreed on the same values, we had similar ambitious goals, both creatives – it was a match made in heaven, no? I was in my final year of university, but even though he lived 3 hours away in another city I still went up every weekend or every two weeks and stay there – for a weekend, for a bit longer… My time was flexible. I missed lectures, I missed deadlines. I was so absorbed into this relationship that I nearly ruined my education – something that’s more important to me than anything else. Or so I thought. But the way this boy made me feel, nothing else mattered. He made it seem so easy, so effortless to be with him – despite the distance and lack of time.
He promised we would be together for a long time. He promised I was the only woman he ever loved. Was he lying? A person who loves someone that much wouldn’t do what he did. He promised – and we agreed – we would live together in his city. It was perfect for me, and my career – Mag’s Media would have had a brilliant potential there. I was pumped. I wanted to move IMMEDIATELY. I thought I figured out life. Move in with The Boy, cut costs, focus on career, build a successful life together, full of adventures and passion.
It sounded perfect. PERFECT.
I was half way through my last year of university. The plan was – Mag moves out of her city and moves in with The Boy, create a new life in a new city. The relationship was still great.
His housemates were going on holiday and he had a free house for two weeks. He invited me over. We spent 10 days together ‘testing out’ if we can actually live together, if we were compatible. The ten days were the best ten days in my life – or so I thought at the time – and we were more than happy with each other. The relationship was still great. I left then, thinking ‘This is it’, he is the one.
A few weeks went by. His behaviour changed. As “The Boy” posts go on, I feel you will see that all of them come to this point. Everything is rose-tinted, and then suddenly the mood shifts. He wasn’t texting as often, he wasn’t calling. This was strange, as because of the distance, we made sure we stayed in touch every day and prior to his behaviour change, we were doing exactly that.
Since this sudden behaviour switch and our first ‘argument’, things weren’t as great. Days weren’t as bright. The relationship wasn’t ‘great’ anymore. Yet, I wasn’t ready to give up. I put hands over my eyes and chose to not see the flaws. I was so desperate for it to work. I was holding onto everything he ever said. How much he loved me, how much he wanted a life with me, how many plans he had for us. I believed it with all my heart -and ignored any little voice telling me to re-consider. I so badly wanted us to work.
Before I get to the next point, I also have to point out that I was -or tried to be -the best girlfriend I could be. I made the effort, I was supportive, I was all there. Whether in person, or away from him, I was always prioritising him and his feelings.
The Boy isn’t messaging as much and being hostile when he does. I try to call him but the signal is bad. I try to call him again, he doesn’t pick up. He messages me with passive aggressive statements, suggestive of cheating or lying to him. I call him again. “I’ve done something really bad”. Of course, as any girl would, I thought – oh my god, he cheated on me. But no. “I went onto your Facebook because you left it logged in here and went through your messages”.
“Respect, trust, honesty and loyalty” he said to me right after he said “You are the only woman I’ve ever told I loved”. His values were respect, trust and honesty – and he broke all of them in one by invading my privacy and reading my personal messages with my friends. Yes, I know there are couples who share each other’s Facebook accounts and even have joint accounts – each to their own but I just do not agree that is healthy. You should be able to have a life outside of a relationship. And by respecting each other and trusting each other, you shouldn’t need each other’s passwords to have an insight into that life. Converse and communicate with each other instead.
I was shocked at the fact he did that, but I was not that angry. I was angry that he breached my privacy but at the same time, I didn’t want to blame him for human curiosity. It’s when he says that he dug through the messages to find some from a year ago (from the beginning of our relationship) that he thought to be adulterous. They were not in any way. I’ve had my fair share of fun, and yes – there are a few skeletons in the closet, and a few haunting ghosts -and it was one of those ghosts that thought he would give it another go at getting me into his bed. I politely declined and moved on – this person didn’t mean harm, they were drunk and drunk-messaging me to which I responded in a diplomatic manner because I know he would regret it in the morning. I wasn’t going to judge someone for their drunken actions, we’ve all had ours. Honestly, nothing in those messages suggested any of what The Boy was accusing me of.
Side point: The Boy opened those messages when he was not exactly sober, and my guess is he didn’t understand exactly what was being said so he just thought of the worst and that is what his brain remembered, instead of the facts.
Despite knowing I haven’t done anything wrong – he was so adamant I’ve betrayed him, I started thinking I did. Isn’t amazing what a person can make you believe or do? I went through all of the messages on my Facebook account and other accounts, just to be sure. I couldn’t find anything that would make him that angry. Even when trying to put myself in his shoes and into his brain. Nothing. I told him this. Only to get a response of: “I do not want to hear your excuses. We are over. I do not need your explanations, you’re disgusting and I do not ever want to see you again. Please delete me off your social media and dispose of any photos or tags as well.” He basically wanted to be erased from my life. Months and months of planning our soon-to-be life together and he didn’t even try. He didn’t let me fix it.
My heart sunk. I dropped to the floor. I did. I dropped on my knees, as if someone just punched me in the stomach, I couldn’t breathe. This was my second panic attack in my life. I curled on the floor, bending forwards, face on the floor. I opened my mouth as if to scream but no sound came out, just a squeak and then I was just exhaling air until there was none left in my lungs. I didn’t take any air in. I don’t know how long I was on the floor like that for but it seemed like hours. I grabbed my phone and started texting him -he wouldn’t speak to me on the phone. I tried every way of explaining that he’s got it all wrong and I really do not understand where his information comes from. That I would never, how could he think so, why does he think so. The Boy was having none of it.
I hope you never have experienced it but when someone gives up on you and everything you’ve ever worked for together… It is one of the most awful feelings. You feel anger, upset, sadness, frustration. You feel like you’ve wasted your time, like it was all for nothing – and who’s to say the next will be different? You lose all hope.
I stopped eating. I dropped from size 12 to size 6 in two weeks. I was just drinking, and sleeping, then drinking some more and more sleeping. I didn’t leave the house other than to the shop for more alcohol and the occasional chocolate bar to keep myself from passing out. A chocolate bar which I would then throw up anyway. I cried, I cried and I cried. When I couldn’t sleep I would stay awake until my body and brain reached utter exhaustion. I cannot describe to you how empty, how crushed I was feeling. I felt kicked to the ground, and then kicked five more times once already there.
All of my plans were our plans. I was left with nothing. No perspective, no idea what to do. I didn’t have a job because in two months, I was meant to move to another city – so was looking for jobs up there. I didn’t take bookings because all of my time was consumed making sure that The Boy was happy. I didn’t have a place to live because we were meant to find a place together in another city. I was left with absolutely nothing. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never felt so lost, so betrayed and so alone. I was living at my friend’s house which we needed to leave at the end of the month. From then on, I was homeless with no job and no money.
But that’s not all. When I was already down, and things were at its worst, he messaged me – and I remember his words to this day – “I want photos of us gone from social media by tonight. If they aren’t, and I wish I didn’t have to go as far as blackmail, but if they aren’t I will post some of the photos of you I have on my phone. How would your family feel if they saw those on Facebook? If you don’t do it for me, do it for your family”.
I didn’t delete the photos straight away – not because I didn’t want to. I just didn’t get the time to sit through them and delete them all, it wasn’t a priority, I had to get my life together and figure out what I am going to do having been left with nothing. I couldn’t believe he would go as far as blackmail.
You are probably thinking ‘ Aw, but it’s just photos, what does it matter?’ Well, it matters. Not so much for my friends or family -as they know me and even if they were offended by any, they would still love me and forgive me, I wasn’t worried about that. It was the rest of the world I was worried about. I am a photographer, I have my own company – these photos he was talking about could have compromised my reputation as a business owner, as an authority, as a role model to anyone. It could've sabotaged my dreams, and my future. Once something is up on the Internet, it is there forever. I freaked out. I told one of our mutual friends, the one who lived with him and knew me – or so I thought – better than anyone – he did nothing. He didn’t see it to be an issue. He told me to get over it and just delete the photos. Now, yes that was what I was going to do but you’d think there’d be some solidarity, some support. There was nothing. I couldn’t count on him either.
Writing this blog post has just proved to me that I am still hurting. I am still shocked that someone whom you trust with your life, with your future – can just turn around and turn their back on you like you are nothing. Without giving you a chance of fixing anything, of a chance to explain. That’s all I wanted. I wanted him to listen and understand. It was clear he was done with me though, before this whole thing even happened. He wasn’t interested in fixing it.
This situation destroyed me as a person. We went from ‘perfect’ to ‘nothing’ in less than 30 seconds. I was grieving. Over my future, over my lost relationship – a relationship I thought to be one for life.
This was a beginning of darker times ahead, yet made me into a stronger person. I built my life back up again. I moved cities, I got my own flat and stabilised my career. I did it all myself, without anyone’s help and that is something nobody will take away from me.
At what cost though?
What I learnt from this was to never rely on anyone but myself. To always have a plan B. It ruined my ability to trust people like I used to but made me more careful choosing friendships and relationships. It made me focus on what I need and on what I want. It made me realise that you cannot make someone love you once they made up their mind that they don't want to. You cannot fix something that isn't broken - our relationship was fine. It was his actions that brought us to an end, his unwillingness to listen, to understand. It wasn't me. That's what I need to remember.
"The Boy" is a series exploring my previous failed relationships, why they failed and the impact they have had on my mental health. If you liked this post, subscribe here to get notified when the new one is up!