The Boy who (almost) broke me...
Is your ability to move forward being held back by someone who’s life is dependant on you staying the same?
Let’s define that someone.
Someone who is dependant on you staying the same person throughout (your relationship, career, life). This is someone who doesn’t like change, who is rooted into their views and ways of living, unwilling to change. The type of person that if this situation I’m about to talk about would have happened to my friends, I would’ve told them to get the hell outta there.
This someone was an ex boyfriend. Partner. Whatever you want to call him. Let’s refer to this someone as ‘The Boy’. Because at the time, The Boy was winning me over. The Boy was just a boy – as he will always be – and The Boy took a lot for granted. Like the few before him.
I’ve been told I have a certain aura about me, I draw people in and even once been described as ‘magnetising’. I pull people towards me like a magnet, they can’t resist. Now, while you would maybe think that is a compliment, it was said to me in resentment from a person whom I’ve hurt because of my inability to see that quality in myself. Now I see it. And part of me hates it, really.
The Boy fell for the aura, he fell for the person I wanted to be: a strong, independent lady who was sure of herself and confident in her views. While I appear that way, a very outgoing, fear-nothing lady – I am very fragile sometimes, I get scared a lot and I hurt a lot. This is due to my anxiety.
The Boy fell for the girl he believed was perfect for him. I am not. I know I am not. I was rooted in my beliefs. I didn’t want The Boy to ever become The Boy. I was scared of loving because of the last tragedy that broke me more than anything, ever. The triggering factor of my panic attacks, to this date. I resented the thought of ever being treated like that again.
There was something about The Boy. He had history, baggage, experiences. I think people who have been through some tough situations and are still alive today and keep going, are the best kind of people. That’s what I thought of The Boy. But The Boy was different once he let his guard down, once he thought he caught me like a spider catches prey in spiderweb. He thought he had me. I thought he had me. Even though I was always wary of his actions and words, I believed that this person would be honest with me. That what they are saying is what they were truly feeling. I don’t have time for bullshit. The Boy said he loved the way I worked so hard. The Boy said that he loved my motivation and he wanted to help me in every way, so that I can do what I love.
Few months later, the mood shifted, The Boy lost interest. I don’t know what changed but it’s as if his whole viewpoint shifted. He was no longer the person I believed him to be. He went back on every word he’s said to me. He kept reassuring me he loved me. Do you know what he did for all those months? That wasn’t love. He controlled me.
Suddenly, my vision of our possible relationship or even life together took a darker shade. As if clouds cast over the beautiful sunlight. As if someone pulled the curtains closed on a sunny day. He had an image in his mind the whole time, the way he wanted. His small actions and words were all but manipulation into keeping me the way he wanted: submissive. Fragile. Needy.
Oh, I fell for it. I fell for it hard. I caught myself imagining our life together, in the house he said we would live, doing what he said we would do – and for a second there, I believed I would be happy that way. But The Boy went too far. He took for granted everything I’ve ever offered him. How? His control got out of control. I could feel it. I could smell it. He was everywhere, always there. I didn’t have a life, I didn’t want to cause an argument, trigger a mood swing.
The Boy needed help, I believe he might have got depressed. He might have had very low days following an event that’s happened near the end of the year. But he didn’t want help. He didn’t want to change. He is comfortable being who he is, rooted in his views, his way of life. I didn’t want to be tied to that, I didn’t want to be part of that life.
I am yet to find my place on this Earth, and yet to discover so many more people and so many places, so many experiences. I am sure of what I want, and if anything The Boy made me prove it to myself. He made me even more sure of what I don’t want.
Don’t let anyone, ever stop you or distract you from achieving your goal. You should always be with a person who will encourage you to do more, offer help where possible and be there for you in the good and bad days. You cannot let anyone get in your way – in any way. Stay focused and true to yourself no matter what, it will shape you into such stronger person. Let them walk away. A person who doesn’t make a positive contribution to your life shouldn’t have a place there. They will find someone who will share their views. It doesn't have to be you.
When I feel overwhelmed, and start panicking, not knowing what to do – I take time out. I look back at my list of goals and think really hard about what I have set out for myself to do. Then I feel that passion, fire up again, adrenaline through my body – hope and excitement for what’s to come. That’s when you know you are doing something right. You should try it. It’s so satisfying.
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