It Gets Hard Sometimes...

Make a coffee, sit back and let me hit you with some truth...

[Personal Post]

Dear Anyone Who's Struggling,

It gets hard sometimes. To keep up with everything, to stay on your top form at all times. Just like athletes or rugby players, you need to be on your feet all the time while running your business or a freelance career. You need to train and you need to be consistent to see results. And just like with everything else, you don’t always see results straight away. That’s frustrating.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have anxiety which does not help me in any way to keep my cool and chill. People with anxiety strive for perfection because we never feel good enough, and without the results – we have no reassurance that what we are doing is right. With anxiety, self-doubt and uncertainty of committed decisions is like a heavy weight on your heart. It eats you up until it is the only thing you think about, and because your irrational brain puts negative thoughts in your head, it quickly turns into lack of confidence and not believing in yourself, lack of motivation…. The list goes on.

It gets hard. If you know me well, you know I don’t hide that sometimes, shit gets too much and I cannot deal with it anymore. I disappear for days, for hours, avoiding human contact because I’m too consumed by my thoughts and worries that I feel like I should be doing nothing else but focusing on these issues. Even though, half of them are only irrational worries, things that are not an issue to anyone around me, let alone my business.

There are busy months and there are quiet months. Quiet months kill me because I feel like my whole world is on pause, waiting for something – without the certainty this will ever change. What if the glory times are over? What if things are static and now the business is not relevant? No. That’s just my anxiety talking, thinking in catastrophic terms because that’s the only way it knows how. It plants little irrational thoughts and ideas in my brain, making me believe that what I am doing is pointless and I should give up sooner or later.

Mumma didn’t raise a quitter though! If I have nothing else to hold on to, at least I have my parents to remind me why I am doing everything that I am doing. They put so much time and effort into making sure that I could start this business, with supporting me whenever times got hard and continuing to support me once I bounce off.

I want to make something clear. I’m not rich, and I don’t live the glam life. Much so, I don’t want to live the glam life. I am happy with my studio flat, in the city centre, running my small-time business and doing my freelance projects now and then. Your goals may be different than mine; you may want a mansion and 4 kids with a gorgeous husband, but gal, that ain’t me – but more on this in another post.

I am happy where I am at the moment, with my current job and the career and business going so well. There are so many things going on though that it feels impossible sometimes to keep on top of it all, keep up. Somehow I still manage to, because I push myself.

I cannot give up. I am not going to – ever. But sometimes, I do think about it. Have a little cry. Try to imagine what life can be like without my company or just doing a full time job. And then I cry even more. I am not made for that life, I cannot live it. I cannot imagine now being anyone else than a freelance photographer and a business owner. It is who I am and those companies stand for all that I care about.

Like fuck, am I gonna give up. And you shouldn't either.

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#advice #anxiety #help

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